LOS ANGELES — Lucas has made it official, yet the opening crawl of THE PHANTOM MENACE hasn’t even rolled out of theaters yet. STAR WARS Episode 2 — yes, Episode 2! — will be entitled THE SIZE OF THE FORCE. The much-awaited sequel plot to Episode One centers around Obi Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) training Darth Vader’s younger self in the ways of the Jedi on the remote, outer rim, backwater planet of Tatooine.

With the help of an all-digital, hovering pelican alien named “HAP HAP THE CHOO CHOO” and his tribe of primitive, regenerative pelican people, they learn that the “Mitochloridians” which comprise the Force are actually a civilization unto themselves… a tiny universe of microbes spread out amongst billions and billions of living beings, each with their own internal “galactic strife.”

Fans who were ecstatic at the appearance of Samuel L. Jackson in Episode One will be jumping joyfully out of their Jedi robes when they learn that Jackson is returning in Episode II. “I’m overwhelmed (Lucas) is taking me back, after all the critical backlash,” said Jackson over the telephone. Jackson’s character, Mace Windu, is the leader of the Mitochloridian Front for Unified Mitochloridians, “a sort of Rebel Alliance of Mitochloridians” who challenge the evil Darth Sidious, leader of the evil galactic small businessmen and storeowners known as The Trade Federation.

“I haven’t seen the script yet, but George says Mace Windu may or may not be a Mitochloridian himself, enlarged to human size,” Jackson hints.

Ewan McGregor bubbled with excitement at the prospects of his Obi-Wan character being shrunk to the size of an amoeba and injected into the bloodstream of the all-digital Hap Hap. “I’ve always loved Captain Nemo from 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA,” McGregor told fans. “And if George lets me drive yet another submarine in this series, it’ll bring me that much close to becoming him.”

As a swarm of hysterical fans and press converged on the unnamed location in downtown Los Angeles this morning, rumors abounded about the return of perhaps the most critically bashed digital actor in cinema history, Jar Jar Binks. When asked about the return of droopy-eared alien from THE PHANTOM MENACE, Lucas looked uncomfortable. “I like French toast,” he replied, “but does that make me French?” and then began staring up at the ceiling.

Will Natalie Portman return as the Anakin’s future bride, the spunky Queen Amidala of Naboo? Lucas gives an emphatic “yes.” “I’m not going to give it all away, but let’s just say her character has a little run-in with a certain time-travelling Wookie.”