Since I haven’t actually seen any films lately, I thought I’d rant on everybody’s favorite topic: The Worst Films Ever Made. I am not talking about some suck ass film made by Junior High kids during a weekend with a beat up Sears camcorder stolen from Grandpa’s garage - I will never discourage young talent from expressing itself (though I will offer constructive criticism and I draw the line at being forced to watch it). Nor am I talking about cult classic, Ed Wood-caliber schlock that’s impossible to take seriously and garners more laughs than Pauly Shore spontaneously combusting. I am talking about big budget movies cranked out by bean counters who pretend to be filmmakers. These are films that should never be seen. All copies of the prints should be gathered and burned. The negatives destroyed in acid. All scripts, posters, and miscellaneous marketing materials likewise destroyed. It’s existence wiped from history, forgotten by our collective consciousness. Since that’s never going to happen, just don’t ever watch it. Let us begin.

Topping my list is “Wild Wild West”. I don’t know what I was thinking walking into this film. I’m just glad I didn’t actually pay to see it. I paid to see some other, better film that has unfortunately been eclipsed in my memory by the unparalleled stupidity of WWW. Mark Twain once said “giving a bad speech wastes only an hour of your time, but also an hour for every one in the audience - that can add up to quite a few hours and should constitute a capital offence”. I may have taken some liberties on the quote, but if you apply the same rubric to WWW, then millions of hours have been wasted watching this film. The creators should be lynched, if only to spare the unsuspecting public from being exposed to another travesty of the silver screen. This is an excellent example of what I call Bean Count Filmmaking, resulting from non-creative types just adding together proven properties (i.e., actors, special effects houses, and the name of a recognized concept) and assuming they equal big money. In this case we have good actors giving poor performances, a really expensive tinker toy spider, and the total ruination of a classic TV show. I’ll stop there since I’ll just start repeating what others have said, but I will tell you this is not the end of Bean Count Filmmaking. “The 6 Billion Dollar Man” is about to become add it’s name to my list of most hated films for these very reasons.

Coming in second is “The Barney Movie”. I’ll admit, I’ve never seen it. I don’t want to. The Purple Dino is EVIL. EVIL I tell you! Given the opportunity I would gladly use my very hands to strangle the life from it’s vile throat and rid the world of its EVIL. Keep me away from it and I’ll be OK.

Next up is any movie with Pauly Shore. If Keanu Reeves ever wants to look like an acting genius, he needs to get himself cast nest to this retard. I heard “Encino Man” had its moments, but I’m not about to see it. The only way you could ever make a good Pauly Shore movie is to kill him in the first minute of the film. No, not a fake death, I’m talking snuff film - kill the no-talent cretin! See, I developed this concept of “The Room” - a place where you exile all the most hated people in your life. In the room sits a small nuclear device and you hold the trigger. One by one you pack your enemies into The Room. At what point does the temptation become too great and you push the button? For me, I would push the button the moment I put Pauly in my room. (No, I’m not a sociopath, I just have odd mental exercises.)

I’ll follow that rant with “Showgirls”, a tired melodrama that follows the adventures of an unlikable bitch as she backstabs other bitches in an effort to be the Head Bitch in Las Vegas. Yes, there is a great deal of nudity, and for some bad films that can be a saving grace (I’ll do a future article on “The Comedy of Porn”), but in this case it just digs the hole a little deeper. The best thing I can say for “Showgirls” is the camera appeared to be properly mounted on the tripod, but unfortunately the film didn’t break. Amazingly, if Kyle MacLaughlin had been replaced by Pauly Shore the movie might have actually improved. Rounding out the top five is “Waterworld.” Kevin Costner makes a few bucks playing with wolves and somebody gives him $100 million to play with dolphins. And here’s an acting stretch: neither character has any personality! I swear I slept through this damn film because every time I catch it on TV it’s a part I haven’t seen before. I remember he drinks his own pee at the start, gets put in a go-go dancer cage, undresses some chick, and then things start blowing up. Even “Titanic” seemed shorter.

I know I haven’t gone out on a limb on any of these (unless you’re a Barney fan, in which case, go to away or I’ll tell your mommy), but if you have a differing opinion go ahead and send it to me. I probably won’t read it, but it will make you feel a lot better if you think I’m sitting at my computer stewing over your snappy prose.