Here it comes! It’s coming at you at light speed straight up your ass. It’s plastered all over soda cases, bags of chips, and even yogurt for the love God! You can run, but you can’t hide. So strap yourselves in, angle a deflector shield, and set blasters on suck…Lucas is back in town! He’s back and up to his old tricks and I’m willing to bet that a shitload of people are going to fall for it. They’re going to file in like zombies, shove some overpriced popcorn into their cockholsters and start making excuses before the last credit rolls off the screen. I’m making a bold choice to not be one of them but I still feel obligated to review this film. Well since I’m not going to see it I decided to just get the review out of the way before the movie even comes out.

Star Wars Episode2:The Emperor’s New Clones…It sucks! Trying to shake off the ghosts of the past, yet still avoiding having to admit that he was wrong, Lucas has tried to make a film that incorporates the dark elements of Empire (which he feels was too dark of a film) and meld them with the bad script writing and Scooby Doo plot lines of Episode Shit. What he managed to create was part Thornbirds in space and part Star Wars Christmas Special. Watching this film is comparable to having cauliflower shoved up your rectum. Did I mention that it sucks?

Now I will go out on a limb and make a few predictions about this film. The reason I’m doing this is because a half-joking prediction I made about it after seeing Episode Shit halfway came true. Shortly after seeing it I made a snide comment about how I wouldn’t be surprised if he had the Backstreet Boyz or some boy band make an appearance in the next film. Well I’m sure you’ve all heard about the N Sync cameo in The Emperor’s New Clones. Maybe George was listening. With no further ado, here are my predictions:

1- Tatooine will be in it…again. Yes, you know that planet that if there were “a bright center of the universe” it would be the “planet that it’s farthest from?” Odd how everything important kinda centers around it, huh? It would be kinda like every important historical even in the history of the United States being centered around Baker, California. Regardless, it’s the perfect place to hide someone long-lost son from them. Heck, Darth would never think to check his home planet right? Good thinking, next time someone steals something from me I really hope they don’t hide it in my room…I’d never think to look there.

2- You will experience the Incredibly Shrinking Star Wars Universe! I expect that, along the line of lil Orphan Ani building 3PO, the universe is going to be getting a bit cozier. Look for the parents of major and/or minor characters in this one. Wouldn’t that be a hoot if the parents of our favorite heroes in the original movies knew each other? Maybe we’ll find out why Boba Fett won’t tell anyone his real name, planet of origin, but he’s pretty free with giving his age (it’s on the back of the Empire Strikes Back trading card…he’s 35). Maybe his dad got screwed out of five bucks by Han’s dad and that just made him go bad. Maybe Hammerhead’s dad told Zuckuss’ mom that universe was actually just the armpit of a primeval space creature named Bob and she believed it. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

3- I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Jabba will appear somewhere in this film. I’m not 100% on this one but I’m just going with the law of averages.

4- Something with a main reactor is going to get blown up. Again I’m going with the law of averages. As of right now we have four films and three main reactors getting blown up (Death Star, Death Star 2, and Trade Federation ship). Hopefully they won’t put the main reactor in the hanger bay this time.

5- Jabba is going to blow up something’s main reactor. You can’t win the jackpot if you don’t gamble right? Four movies and we have three main reactors and three appearances of Jabba. There seems to be a connection. Just give Jabba a proton torpedo and seal the deal.

6- There will be some corny pod race-esque sequence that halfway through it you’ll feel like you’re watching a commercial for a video game. Before it’s over you’ll realize that you are.

7- Jar Jar will still be an annoying fuck.

8- Everyone will say, “It’s better than the last one.” No shit, really? How hard can that be?

Those are my predictions. Now all we have to do is wait. In the end the film is going to mediocre at best, Lucas will probably do further damage to the Star Wars mythos, and everyone will eat it up. Pat yourselves on the back for contributing to the delinquency of a pathetic fraction of a man who dares to call himself a filmmaker. Enjoy the downward spiral of what was at one time a decent movie saga. I know some of you are hoping this will be a sort of apology for Episode Shit but don’t hold your breath. If Lucas had an apologetic bone in his body Episode Shit should have been an apology for Jedi, the Ewok Adventure(s), and Special Edition. Clearly it’s not his place to apologize…it’s yours. Accept your duty with pride. It’s the least you can do after all, since you have the privilege of being one of the Emperor’s New Clones.