A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…(last year)

It is a period of mediocrity. Hordes of tasteless lunatics have won their first victory for sub-standard filmmaking. During the hype, the Evil Lord George Lucas, obsessed with his own ego, produced the Phantom Menace, a movie with enough flaws to destroy an entire saga.

Pursued by Lucas’ sinister merchandising, a small band of fans with standards dare to tell the truth to all who will listen. Custodians of the knowledge that can save storytelling and restore quality entertainment to the galaxy.

I’m sure that everyone has seen the tv spots, heard the radio ads, and probably seen the billboards. An unprecedented barrage of propaganda with one ultimate evil goal: to convince you that The Phantom Menace didn’t suck as bad as you thought it did. I, my dear friends, come to you as the voice of reason and I urge you, DO NOT BE TURNED!

Now I would like to take this opportunity to make myself perfectly clear, and I want absolutely no misunderstandings. I duly acknowledge the fact that people come from diverse backgrounds and, accordingly, have vastly different likes and dislikes. I also acknowledge that it takes Diff’rent Strokes to move the world. But if you happen to be one of those people who find yourself saying cute things like “It was for kids” and “It was only a movie” or my personal favorite, “It wasn’t that bad” then, in my qualified opinion, you lack the brains the good Lord gave a pet rock. An exceptionally dim pet rock. I hate you. You belong to very special class of people who find an episode of Scooby Doo to be far too cerebral for your simian minds.

Now I could go on and on about the particular reasons why I hated this “film” from the inconsistencies of the plot line to the dialogue, which compares in its muddled delivery to Begnini’s Oscar acceptance speech about horny zebra monkeys, but I will not. Suffice it to say I could make a trilogy of movies based on why this one sucked such eternal ass.

The point of this article is the recent video release of Episode One as “the One to own.” What this means, comrades, is that it’s time for shit sandwich leftovers and the ignorant masses are lining up for seconds. The minimum wage baboons at Blockbuster are even dressing like the characters for the love of God! This is a multibillion dollar attempt to manufacture a cult phenomena out of a mainstream merchandising vehicle. Don’t be fooled. Don’t become what Lucas, the Imperial asshole, wants you to become; an apologist.

Well, the propaganda is here again, being slammed down your throat wherever you go. It’s pleading with you. It’s saying “C’mon, it wasn’t that bad. Look at all these other people. They like it. What’s wrong with you?” Be strong. Remember that those same people like it because they are told to like it. These are the same people that have made the Backstreet Boyz pop icons. They are good bitches. They do what they’re told. They care more about packaging than substance and in the process of being good shitheads they lower the bar. They make it possible for musicians, and indeed filmmakers, to not have to try so hard to profit off of us. It doesn’t have to be good it just has to look good. Resist the urge and don’t buy it, don’t rent it, and when you see someone doing either turn to them and say “shame on you, you mindless shithead. You should be sodomized and buried in an icechest.”

I’ll concede one thing to the Grand Asshole, he managed to make a movie that would have made Ed Wood puke and profited from it. He has utilized his marketing brilliantly to scold those who had taste, and to stroke those who would swallow a piece of dogshit if it had “Star Wars” written on it. Well I say good for them. They can pretend that they still have a saga and Lucas can pretend that he’s still a filmmaker.