Audie and The Wolf, the feature I wrote, directed, edited, and produced with Brooklyn Reptyle Films, and have been working on all year, is almost done with post-production. Smart Post Sound in Burbank is handling the entire sound package, from sound design to ADR to foley to mix. Composer Karl Preusser had a bit of a setback when his mixing engineer was hospitalized briefly, but the engineer has recovered and is finishing up the mixes this week. Devon Read continues to crank out CG and compositing shots - the details of which I’ll keep under wraps for now - and we’re close to locking down a colorist for the final colour correction the film’s gonna need. Just a few more weeks and Audie and The Wolf is flatass finished, fucko.

click to play the Audie trailer

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WASHINGTON - Actress Angelina Jolie sent ripples of concern through Washington DC and the hallowed halls of entertainment this afternoon, when she announced she was adopting 51-year-old former FEMA Director Michael Brown.

Jolie, whose previous adoptions include Ethiopian orphan toddler Zahara Marley, 3-year-old Honduran refugee Maria Consuelo, and Dallas Cowboys Wide Receiver Keyshawn Johnson, was beaming with joy outside Mr. Brown’s home outside of Baltimore this morning, as she awaited the delivery of her new son, adoptee Michael Brown.

“I don’t know what’s going on,” said Brown to reporters, looking stunned at the assembly of press gathered on his lawn. Jolie emerged from her 1999 Volkswagen Jetta and dashed across the lawn, throwing her arms around the embattled Former FEMA Director, who’s married and has two children of his own.

“I’m your new mama,” said Jolie tenderly. Brown looked genuinely confused (see stock photo) and neither he nor Jolie offered much in the way of explanation.

Before they fled, Jolie and her new son posed briefly for photographs, kissing deeply and holding hands.

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BEVERLY HILLS — Today actor turned celebrity Ashton Kutcher reportedly presented honey Demi Moore with a necklace made entirely of Kutcher’s toenails, clipped and collected over the course of three years.

“There’s a time for love, and that time is now,” said Kutcher to the gathered press, fleeing the Planet Hollywood BH. “Why should I withhold these remnants of me from her any longer?”

Moore was flattered, offering in return a suit made entirely of her own skin peelings, gingerly and lovingly collected from sunburns ranging back to 1940.

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HOLLYWOOD - In a move that left 007 fans shaken, and not a little stirred, the new James Bond, British actor Daniel Craig, dyed his golden locks fire engine red, and pierced his chin.

Craig, who is the sixth actor to take on the role of the legendary UK superspy, posed for photographers outside a Beverly Hills Supercuts, and appeared pasty-faced and drunk as he delivered a prepared statement in a yellow jumpsuit.

“The new James Bond will be a man of many disguises,” said Craig. “You won’t be able to recognize him from scene to scene. And in fact, I plan on being invisible for the majority of the film, because the writers have perfected an invisible jacket that I wear in order to sneak around in. Of course, the jacket is not real, but I will still be invisible. And you will agree. Robble robble.”

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VAN NUYS — Oscar Valaderilla, 22, thought he was doing a good thing late Tuesday afternoon. “I just wanted to show my support for the marketing arm of the Hollywood film industry” he said in Spanish outside the intensive care unit at USC Medical Center, having lost three sons — ages 2, 3, and 5 — just hours earlier, and waiting for word on the condition of his comatose wife Esmerelda, also 22. Valaderilla stopped by a Burbank Taco Bell on the way home his job at the Mexican embassy, and brought a 10-pack of soft tacos, three tostadas, three extra large Diet Cokes, and a single Tomb Raider “Kids’ Meal” toy home to his family. The result would prove fatal. “First, Jaime put it in his mouth and choked, and he spit it up, then my wife took it away and broke it into four smaller pieces,” Valaderilla explained through a translator. “Then somehow… Little Herberto…Oscar Jr…. I don’t know… they all ended up choking on the pieces. I don’t understand. I thought this was America.”

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How do you react when people say you two are the saviors of modern cinema?

Affleck: Whoa. They say that?
Damon: I guess I’m flattered. There’s a part of me deep down that always kinda knew I was cut out for something big.
Affleck: Since you put it that way, I guess I have too. Kinda.

I was just bullshitting. Who the fuck would say that?

A: I knew you were kidding.

What’s the next step for Project Greenlight?

A: Funny you should ask. Me and Matt here were just debating that. Mr. Damon? You wanna take this?
D: Mr. Affleck doesn’t have a clue, does he?
A: I’m not sure where we left it.
D: Well. It’s kinda like this. We were a little disappointed with the whole thing. And, uh… I really think we coulda made a much better …
A: … It’s not easy to say.
D: No, it isn’t.
A: But we kinda think the guy we picked…
D: Pete.
A: Yeah, Pete. We kinda think Pete is big fucking pussy. And his movie sucks. No offense, Pete.
D: No offense.

Is there going to be a Project Greenlight 2?

A: Yeah, but not with us. They’ve got a girl director this time. She’s got great tits. Can I say that?
D: It’s a film tentatively titled “Underwater Action Movie.” And, you know, it’s a great script, but it’s just…
A: Yeah. It’s just… we’re not real big believers in the whole underwater action movie genre. You know what I mean?
D: Kinda tough to do with $1.5 million. You tried the Macho Combo Burrito yet?
A: Nope.

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Gary Coleman, the diminutive ne’er-do-well child star of Diff’rent Strokes, has been hand picked by Martin Scorcese to helm Scorcese’s next picture, Albatross Junction, according to sources at the Hollywood Reporter. Coleman, 30, was most recently in the news in late August, when he pleaded not guilty to assault and battery charges for allegedly punching an autograph-seeking woman in the eye. We spoke to Coleman about his odd directorial developments over the telephone early Friday morning.

O’MALLEY: Gary. Brian.

COLEMAN: Hey, what’s up?

O: So what’s the scoop? Is it true?

C: It’s true. I’m aboard. We’re locked. We roll in March.

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SAN FRANCISCO — There

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LOS ANGELES - Eduardo Sanchez and Daniel Myrick, the co-creators of

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It worked like Clockwork. And I don

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