B. O’Malley’s Oscar Picks 1999

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Best Director, Using Index Cards and Picnic Baskets
Daniel Myrick and Ed Sanchez, The Blair Witch Project

Best Picture, Kevin Smith’s Mind

Best Sentimental Performance, Non-Robin-Williams
John Ratzenberger as Mr. Potato Head, Toy Story 2

Best Reason to Mispronounce “Jan de Bont.”
The Haunting

Outstanding Performance by a Cocker Spaniel
Julia Roberts, Runaway Bride

Outstanding Performance by a Bitchy Child
Haley Joel Osment, The Sixth Sense

Best Camping
The Blair Witch Project

Picture Best Representing a Carl’s Jr. Hamburger

Award for Casting Accuracy
Rosie O’Donnell as Terk the Ape, Tarzan

Best Underground Director
Stanley Kubrick, Eyes Wide Shut

Best Picture, Based on Someone Else’s Picture
The Blair Witch Project

Best Picture Andy Kaufman Didn’t See
Julien Donkey-Boy

Picture With the Most White People In It
Summer of Sam, dir. Spike Lee

Best Crawl-Into-A-Celebrity’s-Head-And-Finally-Understand-What-He’s-Thinking Picture
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Best Midget
Kevin Costner, Message in a Bottle

Best Performance by a Solicitor of Whores
Hugh Grant, Notting Hill

Best Actor, Hands Down
Ahmed Best as Jar Jar Binks, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Best Performance By A Smoker
Heather Donahue, The Blair Witch Project

Best Picture With “American” In Title
American Lame-O, The Life and Times of George Lucas (U.K.)

Best Consistent Display of One Single Emotion
Matt Damon, The Talented Mr. Ripley

Film Alex Trebek Most Disappointed In
Double Jeopardy

Hustler’s Hottest Adult Film of 1999
Jenna Blows Skywalker Ranch But George Likes Men

Best “Matrix-esque” Film
The 13th Floor

Shortest Film

The Indie Credibility Award for Tackling Cliche Situations with Immeasurable Mediocrity
20 Dates

Best Film James Cameron Saw All Year
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

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