The tragedy of 9-11 left me, as I’m sure it did all of you, with an empty feeling inside me (as well as copious amounts of anger and grief). It was at this time that I turned to movies for inspiration and comfort, and of all them, those that I found myself most drawn to are the Star Wars and Star Trek series.

Unfortunately, Lucas has managed to destroy his franchise by injecting massive doses of stupidity into Episode One, so I could only look to the “classics”. Obi-Wan’s words while training Luke on the Falcon are particularly relevant: “I felt a great disturbance in the force…as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.” A New Hope gave us these kinds of brilliant moments, and Phantom Menace gave us fart jokes.

That left me with Star Trek. Yes, I am a star Trek fan. I own books, reference materials, models, and Columbia House videos. I do not attend conventions or dress up like my favorite characters, not that I haven’t wanted to. I grew up watching Kirk woo green women, Spock reshape the rules of logic, McCoy cure the incurable, and Scotty fix the unfixable. I lived every episode of The Next Generation for seven years, becoming completely absorbed in the characters and the universe Gene Roddenberry rebirthed. I have always felt that Star Trek represented the very best of humanity: our courage, determination, drive, compassion, and creativity. Given this, I was really looking forward to the premiere of “Enterprise” on the 26th. I wanted, no, needed, the stability of the positive future presented by Star Trek.

Instead I got an annoying cast directed into a story that did anything but reflect the best of humanity. Sure, they saved the Klingon’s life, but they did it by jumping through a series of character inconsistencies and plot holes. The captain (played by Scott Bakula, who I actually like) did not act like a captain. After the scene Captain Archer made in Starfleet medical he’d be luck to be in charge of a garbage scow. Just as the Vulcan oozed sex appeal (by dressing anything but Vulcan) she oozed emotions like distain and contempt, acting in ways Leonard Nimoy never did. And if Starfleet is going to send out their best and only long-range starship into uncharted territory, wouldn’t it make sense to have some ambassadors or diplomats or something along for the trip? Maybe a whole bunch of scientists, too, not only to study the space they were entering, but the performance of this experimental ship? The whole show felt as if it were a parody of Star Trek with parody characters, kind of like Frank Kowal’s Galaxy’s Edge series, only not as good and not as funny.

But I digress

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WESTWOOD — Director Steven Spielberg announced a new set of filmmaking standards to an enthusiastic mix of Hollywood insiders and journalists at a late morning, last minute press extravaganza at the Bruin Theater, catching many of the industry’s media elite off guard. The veteran director dropped what some are calling a “new Magna Carta” at the feet of the Hollywood film industry.

Fueled by his lackluster opinion of friend and sometimes rival George Lucas’ latest Star Wars film, Spielberg challenged the movie capital of the world to a list of moviemaking “Cinema Commandments” which he outlined during a slide presentation and several multimedia clips displayed on the Bruin’s 30-foot screen, and which were an all-too-obvious slap in the face to Emperor George Lucas.

“What I’m trying to do is basically just get George to realize that Phantom Menace may have looked like Star Wars, and may have sounded like Star Wars, but it really wasn’t Star Wars,” the veteran of Saving Private Ryan and Jurassic Park told the exclusive crowd of 500. “What you had was a lot of ‘whiz’ and a lot of ‘bang,’ but very little ‘oomph,’ said Spielberg.

The mogul’s Hestonian list, enumerated in true-to-life King James prose, was obviously intended as a wake-up call for Lucas and his cgi-heavy movie empire, and for a film industry edging ever further into the realm of “debasing eye-candy,” which Spielberg argues comes at the expense of story and character.

Spielberg’s Cinema Commandments:

“10. Thou shalt not alter films, in any shape, or in any form.” Spielberg called this “next to the Armenian Genocide, the ultimate atrocity.”

“9. Thou shalt not remake films, even your own.” In light of the trend which has of late become its own genre, Spielberg says remakes have no place in a creative industry, “whose primary function is to create.” (When poked about his Close Encounters of The Third Kind Special Edition, Spielberg barked a laugh at the hapless questioner, but offered no other reply.)

“8. Thou shalt not attempt to digitally recreate human life.” “Not until the technology catches up,” Spielberg added. “And even then, it still doesn’t make it very kosher. I’d like to see it outlawed. It’s like cloning, but much, much more dangerous.”

“7. Thou shalt not portray gratuitous violence or sex.” An anonymous spokeswoman for Spielberg commented later: “Don’t think for one moment Steven was joking about Number 7. He’s seriously very ready to kick butt and take names.”

“6. Thou shalt read the script.” The cardinal rule, according to Spielberg. “If George hadn’t printed his Episode One script out on corrugated cardboard in the name of secrecy, maybe somebody could’ve read it and given him a head’s up about the things that just didn’t work. Which was really, I’d say 95- to 99.999 percent of the film.”

“5. Thou shalt take a refresher course in filmmaking.” An apparent broad-faced attack on Lucas’ talents as a film director, this controversial edict drew the most fire from the post-presentation q&a session. Spielberg responded to the barrage by throwing up his palms and demanding “What do you want from me?” When the questions persisted, Spielberg aimed his laser-pointer (in true Jedi fashion) directly into the eyes of Gene Shalit, who fled from the room with tears in his eyes.

“4. Thou shalt not over-merchandise.” Lucas gets the brunt of the blame when critics of the film industry heat up about the merchandising frenzy which accompanies just about every major theatrical release in the United States. “Pepsico basically fronted George the money to make (The Phantom Menace). The jury’s still out on whether or not that’s the way movies are headed. But in any case, my family drinks Coke. It really is the real thing.”

“3. Thou shalt not pander to children.” “Children are smarter than George gives them credit for. Most kids knew that the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park were fake. But how many knew they were fake in Lost World? Not many,” Spielberg ventured. “My kids loved the first three films. Star Wars was great. Empire, phenomenal. This one, they looked up at me and whispered: ‘Daddy, is this plot oversimplified and non-conflictive, or are we just victims of an inflated media hype process?’. I was floored. Stunned,” the director said.

“2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife.” Spielberg astounded the media circus with candid color slides of a grinning Lucas on the set of Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom, with his hand on an obviously-disgusted Kate Capshaw’s left breast while Spielberg conferred with crew in the background.

“1. Thou shalt quit when thou art ahead.”"Too many movies spawn too many terrible sequels,” the legendary director stated in closing. “Show of hands. How many here would’ve liked to see the legend of Look Who’s Talking left alone?” asked Spielberg, raising his hand. Then, with tears clearly visible behind his glasses, the King of Hollywood set down his light-saber-laser pointer and took a drink from his water glass. “They’re ruining everything. Everything.”

With the question of “So what are we gonna do about it?” left dangling in the air, Spielberg and his entourage briefly fielded an onslaught of questions, mostly regarding his relationship with Lucas. “I mean no harm to George. I just want him to snap out of it, make better movies, and get his own goddamn wife.” And with that, the Hollywood legend thanked the assembly for their attendance and made a quick exit to an awaiting Hyundai.

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LOS ANGELES — Lucas has made it official, yet the opening crawl of THE PHANTOM MENACE hasn’t even rolled out of theaters yet. STAR WARS Episode 2 — yes, Episode 2! — will be entitled THE SIZE OF THE FORCE. The much-awaited sequel plot to Episode One centers around Obi Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) training Darth Vader’s younger self in the ways of the Jedi on the remote, outer rim, backwater planet of Tatooine.

With the help of an all-digital, hovering pelican alien named “HAP HAP THE CHOO CHOO” and his tribe of primitive, regenerative pelican people, they learn that the “Mitochloridians” which comprise the Force are actually a civilization unto themselves… a tiny universe of microbes spread out amongst billions and billions of living beings, each with their own internal “galactic strife.”

Fans who were ecstatic at the appearance of Samuel L. Jackson in Episode One will be jumping joyfully out of their Jedi robes when they learn that Jackson is returning in Episode II. “I’m overwhelmed (Lucas) is taking me back, after all the critical backlash,” said Jackson over the telephone. Jackson’s character, Mace Windu, is the leader of the Mitochloridian Front for Unified Mitochloridians, “a sort of Rebel Alliance of Mitochloridians” who challenge the evil Darth Sidious, leader of the evil galactic small businessmen and storeowners known as The Trade Federation.

“I haven’t seen the script yet, but George says Mace Windu may or may not be a Mitochloridian himself, enlarged to human size,” Jackson hints.

Ewan McGregor bubbled with excitement at the prospects of his Obi-Wan character being shrunk to the size of an amoeba and injected into the bloodstream of the all-digital Hap Hap. “I’ve always loved Captain Nemo from 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA,” McGregor told fans. “And if George lets me drive yet another submarine in this series, it’ll bring me that much close to becoming him.”

As a swarm of hysterical fans and press converged on the unnamed location in downtown Los Angeles this morning, rumors abounded about the return of perhaps the most critically bashed digital actor in cinema history, Jar Jar Binks. When asked about the return of droopy-eared alien from THE PHANTOM MENACE, Lucas looked uncomfortable. “I like French toast,” he replied, “but does that make me French?” and then began staring up at the ceiling.

Will Natalie Portman return as the Anakin’s future bride, the spunky Queen Amidala of Naboo? Lucas gives an emphatic “yes.” “I’m not going to give it all away, but let’s just say her character has a little run-in with a certain time-travelling Wookie.”

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