Best Actor
Chuck D., The Second to The Last King of Scotland

Best Impersonation of The Queen of England
Peter O’Toole, Venus

Best Gun Movie
Volver

Best Drive-In Movie
An Inconvenient Truth

Best Sequel
United 93

Best Pharmacists
Anna Nicole Smith

Best Bad German Movie
The Good German

Best Picture Based on Fractions
Half Nelson

Best Why
Because I Said So

Best Fishy Beard
Kevin Smith, Catch and Release

Best Picture, PMS
Blood and Chocolate

Best Self-Reflective or Existential Conversation Scenes in Italian Restaurant
Rocky Balboa

Best Film Based on a Cleaning Product
tie: Eragon and Flushed Away

The Best Movie A Bunch of Dead Jocks Could Inspire
We Are Marshall

Don’t Know How They Did It, But They Made Motown Completely Gay Award
Dreamgirls

Best Zombie Movie
A Prairie Home Companion

Best Thinly-Veiled Rehash of Blackboard Jungle, Stand and Deliver, and Dangerous Minds
Happy Feet

Best Voicemail I’ve Ever Received
Snakes on a Plane

Best Drink Coaster
Lady In The Water DVD

Best Performance by a Performer Getting His or Her Balls Tortured
Daniel Craig, Casino Royale

Best Banana Boobies
Apocalypto

Why Americans Still Hate The French Award
Parfum - Le Histoire d’un Meurtrier

Best Donkey Fucking
Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties

Best Picture Featuring a Coppola Buried in Rubble
Marie Antoinette

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Best Picture, French Agricultural Society
Apocalypse Now Redux

Best Patriotic Film About A Tragic American War Event
Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of The Ring

Bring The Kids Award
Moulin Rouge

Best Christmas Film in England
The Royal Tenenbaums

Best Place To Be in the House
In The Bedroom

Best Picture, Joel Schumacher’s Fondue Club
Pearl Harbor

Least Concern for Audience’s Sore Ass
Michael Mann, Ali

Obligatory Retard Best Actor Award
Russell Crowe, A Beautiful Mind

Obligatory Retard Best Director Award
Steven Spielberg, A.I. Artificial Intelligence

Best Supporting Retard
Sean Penn, Fast Times At Ridgemont High

The Malcolm X Black Spirit Award for Social Change
Cuba Gooding Jr., Snow Dogs

Most Wacky Africans Killed In Three Hours
Blackhawk Down

The “We Miss H.I. McDunnough” Award 2001
Nicolas Cage, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin

Best Restaurant, Venice, California
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Collateral Damage

Proof That Scientology Only Helps So Much
JohnTravolta, Domestic Disturbance

Best Computer-Generated Hair
The “Bin Laden as Jack Valenti” Email

Lifetime Re-Re-Re-Re-Re-Achievement Award
Kevin Smith, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Best Teeny Weeny Old People For No Apparent Reason
Mulholland Drive

Best Foreign Language Film
Gosford Park

Best Prequel
Ocean’s 10

Worst, Worst, Worst, Worst Picture
Rat Race

Muhammed Ali’s Choice for Film of The Year
Please Jesus, Help Me Tie My Shoes

Best Video For Your New Kitten
tie: Cat Crazy Part 4 and Snatch

Best Tasting Atmosphere
Vanilla Sky

I Laugh As You Fail Award 2001
HBO’s Greenlight Yourself feature Stolen Summer

Outstanding Performance by a Bitchy Child
Haley Joel Osment, A.I. Artificial Intelligence

Best Evidence For The Collapse of Human Society
The politically-correct WTC flagraisers statue

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From Roberto’s Best Actress Presentation Speech 2000:

I have run around and a dog! Look at me bark! Look at me happy as a yellow wicked film clam to hop on kneecaps and make love to the Jupiters even more than your Cinema Santa! I am yet to become another egg salad sandwich, but you are I am without gleeful anomalies! Let us in Italy have a saying: To joy is having onions, without or without the cinema. And to that means we are Braniac on a river of life, floating on film can, swimming in liquid water of proud film. And without actress smiling her egg salad, what then? Film on the river of life is no joyful onion! And of courses, the joyful pepper getsa lonely withoutta the onion. With the further residue, shall I read on you the actressings for the nominations and blessings of the Ultimate Egg Salad Onion. The Annette Bening for the American Beauty… (clip) Janet McSomething for her film (clip)… Julianna Moore on the Affair I Remember (clip)… Meryl Streep for her clandestine wafers (clip)… and The Hilarity Swank for the Boys — They Don’ta Cry. … And the winner is to be is: The Hilarity Swank for the Boys — They Don’t Cry!

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Best Picture, Security Camera Manufacturers Association of America
Timecode

Best Use of Nitro Glycerine In Himalayas
Vertical Limit

Lifetime Underachievement Award
Darren Aronofsky, Requiem for A Dream

Best Chicken Claymation
Space Cowboys

Best Director’s Daughter
Sofia Coppola, The Virgin Suicides

Outstanding Performance by a Bitchy Child
Haley Joel Osment, Pay It Forward

Rolling-Over-In-My-Grave Award
Dr. Seuss, Author: How The Grinch Stole Christmas

Best Horror Sequel Everybody Flocked To See Because The First One Was Such A Hit Phenomenon
Dracula 2000

Best Feelgood British Comedy
The Patriot

Best Chinese Picture
The Tao of Steve

Film That Had Nothing To Do With Cashews Whatsoever
The Nutty Professor II

Best Film About A Busty Consumer Advocate
David Horowitz: The Motion Picture

Best Picture, Alzheimers Foundation
Remember The Titans

Burglar Alarm Code Film of the Year
U-571

Rootinest-Tootinest Picture
Coyote Ugly

Best Picture, Airline Pilots Association
Gladiator

Film Title Most Begging for Porn Movie To Ripoff
Chuck and Buck

Picture Played Most Often
Frequency

Breakout Dramatic Performance of the Year
John Travolta, Battlefield Earth

Best Computer-Generated Waves in a Comedy or Musical
The Perfect Storm

Best Picture, Scottish Chess Players Squad
Highlander: Endgame

Best On Screen Romance Between Two Actors
Leonardo DiCaprio, The Beach, with Leonardo DiCaprio, The Beach

Film That Had Very Little To Do With Painting
The Art of War

Picture That Best Rhymes With “Paddywack”
Pitch Black

Best Blair Witch Spoof
Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2

Most Significant Waste of IMAX
Fantasia 2000

Most Misspelled on Marquees Across Alabama
Bait

Pizza At A Samoan Wedding
Gone In Sixty Seconds

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From Roberto’s Best Foreign Film 1999 Acceptance Speech:

Thank you! Thank you! Sophia, (inaudible) I want to be rocked by the waves of your beauty. Come here. Thank you! Thank you! This is a moment of joy and I want to kiss everybody because you are the (inaudible) of the joy. Here you kisses the joy as it flies - leaves an eternity sunrise - the said poet. And there to have happy wet things, and with yours and not honeydew. Who saida “honeydew?” I saida “honeydew!” Ah, the happy wet things everything can do with honeydews. The cheese is warm. The party is in my closet. I am dancing in my organs and have very much gratitude for the, uh, the cleansers. What cleansers, holding hands and smiling to black holes we all canna make, no? Only if and if only the dancing continues with appeasement and more carbohydrates. Who flogged the magistrate yesterday? I just have to tell you… Wonderful, I feel like, now really to, to dive in thisocean of demonstrative and irrepressible generosity, this is too much. You take-a it all back. I no want it. It’sa not for me. (pause) I just kidding! See my smile! I a big kidder! Who’s got the Milk Duds? You got the Milk Duds? I no a’got the Milk Duds. Am I taking too long? Tell me my tailor is parked and ready to shave! Let me a’speed it up like a Dutchman. If I had a noodle to spare, I’d spare you my noodle without lummoxing. Let me tell you about a noodle to have in my cheese parties. Joy cannot tingle my nerves when all there is to have in worlds colliding with singing is my teeth! Cheese and Phyllis Diller raised me from wolves! O, wicked wicked cheese. Thank yous. Thank you all without scraping the real estate, and remembers to have attic and plentiful rock dancings in the time of aging and to have back sores on top of Old Smokey, but I love you!

From Roberto’s Best Actor Acceptance Speech 1999:

Thank you! This is a terrible mistake because I used up all my English. I don’t know! (pause) Okay, okay. I’m faking it. So I don’t speak Italian. (pause) Justa kidding! I a kidder! I hop on seats and heads and dance with Jupiter and, how you say, George Jetson? Egg salad sandwiches in the aisles of liquid Tuscany are to calling mehappy raindrops of smiling packages! I besiding myselves! To joy is having much animals spayed and neutering wildly! Oh, I cry with self-aware, holding hands with the onions, my devilish me. I want to thank everybodily in the worlds about how much the winds of chance can make egg salad as well! You don’ta have-a to be from the Tuscany! Look into my face! Little girls cry like myselves and I floored to the roof with plentiful dancings! But now, I musta warn you all. Something is in transit from Hell, coming for all of us! Something sinister like blackness and evil and evil. Take-a cover, pray to God, do what you can, but it’sa coming for us all!

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Best Director, Using Index Cards and Picnic Baskets
Daniel Myrick and Ed Sanchez, The Blair Witch Project

Best Picture, Kevin Smith’s Mind
Dogma

Best Sentimental Performance, Non-Robin-Williams
John Ratzenberger as Mr. Potato Head, Toy Story 2

Best Reason to Mispronounce “Jan de Bont.”
The Haunting

Outstanding Performance by a Cocker Spaniel
Julia Roberts, Runaway Bride

Outstanding Performance by a Bitchy Child
Haley Joel Osment, The Sixth Sense

Best Camping
The Blair Witch Project

Picture Best Representing a Carl’s Jr. Hamburger
Superstar

Award for Casting Accuracy
Rosie O’Donnell as Terk the Ape, Tarzan

Best Underground Director
Stanley Kubrick, Eyes Wide Shut

Best Picture, Based on Someone Else’s Picture
The Blair Witch Project

Best Picture Andy Kaufman Didn’t See
Julien Donkey-Boy

Picture With the Most White People In It
Summer of Sam, dir. Spike Lee

Best Crawl-Into-A-Celebrity’s-Head-And-Finally-Understand-What-He’s-Thinking Picture
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Best Midget
Kevin Costner, Message in a Bottle

Best Performance by a Solicitor of Whores
Hugh Grant, Notting Hill

Best Actor, Hands Down
Ahmed Best as Jar Jar Binks, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Best Performance By A Smoker
Heather Donahue, The Blair Witch Project

Best Picture With “American” In Title
American Lame-O, The Life and Times of George Lucas (U.K.)

Best Consistent Display of One Single Emotion
Matt Damon, The Talented Mr. Ripley

Film Alex Trebek Most Disappointed In
Double Jeopardy

Hustler’s Hottest Adult Film of 1999
Jenna Blows Skywalker Ranch But George Likes Men

Best “Matrix-esque” Film
The 13th Floor

Shortest Film
8mm

The Indie Credibility Award for Tackling Cliche Situations with Immeasurable Mediocrity
20 Dates

Best Film James Cameron Saw All Year
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

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Best Movie About Water
Halloween: H20

Wisest Use of Leonardo DiCaprio
The Man In The Iron Mask

Best Movie Having to Do With Circular Things
tie: Sphere and Rounders

Honorary “We’re Not Gonna Take It!” Award
Dee Snider’s Strangeland

Best Asian Transvestite Exploitation Film
Mulan

Best Picture With A Number in the Title That’s Between 1,999 and 2,003
Blues Brothers 2000

Best Talking Parrot Movie
Spice World

Best Film That Needed Robert DeNiro & Joe Pesci
Kundun

Best Reason to Staple Richard Linklater to A Wall
The Newton Boys

Best Title
Meet the Deedles

Best Title (Original)
Meet the Feebles (1989)

Best Editing While Smoking Rock Crack Cocaine
Armageddon

Best Robert Rodriguez Film of 1998
El Mariachi (1993)

Tightest Pants
Uma Thurman, The Avengers

Best Bug Movie
The Wizard of Oz Special Edition

Best Heist Movie
Psycho (the remake)

Best Example of Hollywood Nepotism in Action
Jake Kasdan, The Zero Effect

Best Impersonation of A Bug
Woody Allen, Antz

Best Impersonation of Woody Allen
Kenneth Branagh, Celebrity

Best Short Subject
Godzilla

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Best Actor
Martin Sheen, Spawn

Best Tibet Movie
Raiders of the Lost Ark (video)

Best Irish Steerage Drowning Scenes
Mr. Magoo

Best Southern Lawyer Movie
tie: Volcano and Dante’s Peak

Niftiest Lesbian Overtones in a Film or Short Subject
Alien Resurrection

Best Post-Apocalyptic Kevin Costner Movie
Half-Baked

Best Three Hours Spent Playing Videogames in Lobby
Jackie Brown

Best Ship Disaster Special Effects
Speed 2: Cruise Control

Best Bees
Ulee’s Gold

Best Director
Martin Scorcese, Boogie Nights

Film With Most Annoying Black Dude
Chris Tucker, The Fifth Element

Film With Most Annoying White Dude
Robert Guillame, Benson: The Motion Picture

Best Romance Picture Set at Sea
Amistad

Best Picture, Drunk
Lost Highway

Best Picture Aboard A Doomed Vessel
Home Alone 3

Lifetime Achievement Award
Bob Hope (sayanora, Bob!)

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Most Fart Noises Made While Watching It
The English Patient

Best Restored Jabba The Hutt Scene
The People Vs. Larry Flynt

Best Actor in Yet Another Retarded or Handicapped Role
Geoffrey Rush, Shine

Deadest David Lynch Actor
Jack Nance

Gay Peoples’ Choice Award
Batman and Robin

Picture That Harmed Race Relations the Most
Them Filthy, Filthy Asian Folks

Best Film About a Crippled Pornographer
Secrets and Lies

Best Star Wars Taco Bell Kids Meal Toy
“Balancing Boba Fett”

Best Reason For Napalming Hollywood
Selena

Best Fat Person Makeup Effects
George Lucas, LA Times interview

Best Supporting Dog
Dalmation #45, 101 Dalmations

Least Media Attention
Benson: The Motion Picture

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Best Picture With A Subtle Leftist Agenda
The American President

Best Picture In Which the Flu Can Kill You
Sense and Sensibility

Actor Most Likely to Die Before George Burns
Dean Martin

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