Don’t kill spiders!
Everybody knows how important it is to never kill a spider you find in your home.
Spiders aren’t just diminutive and lovable little observers seeking to bond with their human cohabitants. They’re also incredibly useful! They kill smaller bugs, they catch flies, and if you have enough of them, can crawl along your floor in a large, disc-shaped spider crowd and absorb dirt, pet hair, and other filth. Like an insect Roomba.
Scientific studies suggest that most spiders want to stay with you, as they consider their human friends to be really, really interesting.
But if you must remove a spider from your house, don’t be boring about it. Here are my top 5 more “fun” methods of spider removal.
Here are my Top 5:
#5 Liquid Nitrogen
Find a a friend with a liquid nitrogen tanker. Make sure the tanker is full. Park it near your apartment or house. Secure the D-clip (standard on most nitrogen tankers) using the Filling Mount. (Make sure your filling mount is not pre-1980, when they used plastic-based molds for the hand grip – this could lead to leaking nitrogen).
Now make sure the pressure regulator on the outside tank and the pressure monitor in the cabin are reading correctly. You don’t want a mismatch, or else the liquid nitrogen could get stuck in the hose.
Now run your hose through a door or window, and get it as close as you can to the spider.
After moving all furniture near the spider, and covering your floor with 1/16-inch clear plastic protective sheeting, have a friend by the nitrogen tanker slowly release the nitrogen, (Grab a pair of cheap walkie talkies at Target so you’re not shouting at each other, and possibly disturbing the neighbors.)
Next, simply aim the nitrogen at the spider and freeze him up. Pick him up gently with your fingers, and drop him in your nearest patch of outside green.
Spiders love to spin webs when you pick them up. Am I right? Well here’s what you do to add a little “Mexican-Vacation-style” fun to your spider relocation:
Simply get yourself a teeny tiny version of a paraglider. These should be available in most places. Or ask a friend.
Next, attach the teeny tiny paraglider to the spider, using rubber cement, or any spray adhesive (Staples 8oz can $7.95).
Then walk away for 30 seconds to one minute, to fool the spider into thinking you’ve “moved on.”
Once you feel enough time has passed for the spider to have let down his guard, quickly step up to the spider, grab him by his web, and head for the nearest door to the outside.
Like most spiders, he’ll start spinning more and more web, but since he’s attached to the tiny paraglider, he’ll fly through the air, probably having the time of his life.
See if you can’t get him to do some loops.
#3 Tricking Him With The Doorbell
This is always fun. If the spider you’re trying to remove from your house is near an exit, tiptoe out of your house or apartment using another exit and make your way to your front door.
Then give it a knock, or a ding on the doorbell, then run away.
When the spider answers, he’ll see nobody’s there. Then, he’ll step outside to take a closer look.
Quick, now! Run back into the house via your other door, and close the door on him.
#2 Ant and Fly Sopapillas
Spiders love ants and flies. And who doesn’t love sopapillas?
Step one: Find a person who’s good at making sopapillas, to agree to make one out of flies and ants.
Step two: Over the course of 2-3 months, gather as many flies and dead ants as you can.
Step three: Get that sopapilla made by that person who’s good at making sopapillas.
Step four: Put the sopapilla near the spider. He’ll jump on it.
Step five: Simply pick up the sopapilla and take it to some outside area of your house.
#1 Two iPad Minis In A Corner
In my opinion, the absolute best way to remove a spider from your house is to purchase two iPad minis (tablet computers), and then get the spider into a corner.
Once he’s in the corner, place the iPad minis at right angles, so that the spider is boxed in.
Next, on each iPad mini, load up your Facebook page. Make sure you’ve recently posted snapshots of your food, doting pics of your children, or fun political memes.
Give it 10-20 seconds, and the spider will fall asleep.
Finally, use a cup or jar to wisk him away to your garden. (AKA his personal spider utopia)