What Roberto Begnini Actually Said At the Oscars 1999

archive_robertoFrom Roberto’s Best Foreign Film 1999 Acceptance Speech:

Thank you! Thank you! Sophia, (inaudible) I want to be rocked by the waves of your beauty. Come here. Thank you! Thank you! This is a moment of joy and I want to kiss everybody because you are the (inaudible) of the joy. Here you kisses the joy as it flies – leaves an eternity sunrise – the said poet. And there to have happy wet things, and with yours and not honeydew. Who saida “honeydew?” I saida “honeydew!” Ah, the happy wet things everything can do with honeydews. The cheese is warm. The party is in my closet. I am dancing in my organs and have very much gratitude for the, uh, the cleansers. What cleansers, holding hands and smiling to black holes we all canna make, no? Only if and if only the dancing continues with appeasement and more carbohydrates. Who flogged the magistrate yesterday? I just have to tell you… Wonderful, I feel like, now really to, to dive in thisocean of demonstrative and irrepressible generosity, this is too much. You take-a it all back. I no want it. It’sa not for me. (pause) I just kidding! See my smile! I a big kidder! Who’s got the Milk Duds? You got the Milk Duds? I no a’got the Milk Duds. Am I taking too long? Tell me my tailor is parked and ready to shave! Let me a’speed it up like a Dutchman. If I had a noodle to spare, I’d spare you my noodle without lummoxing. Let me tell you about a noodle to have in my cheese parties. Joy cannot tingle my nerves when all there is to have in worlds colliding with singing is my teeth! Cheese and Phyllis Diller raised me from wolves! O, wicked wicked cheese. Thank yous. Thank you all without scraping the real estate, and remembers to have attic and plentiful rock dancings in the time of aging and to have back sores on top of Old Smokey, but I love you!

From Roberto’s Best Actor Acceptance Speech 1999:

Thank you! This is a terrible mistake because I used up all my English. I don’t know! (pause) Okay, okay. I’m faking it. So I don’t speak Italian. (pause) Justa kidding! I a kidder! I hop on seats and heads and dance with Jupiter and, how you say, George Jetson? Egg salad sandwiches in the aisles of liquid Tuscany are to calling mehappy raindrops of smiling packages! I besiding myselves! To joy is having much animals spayed and neutering wildly! Oh, I cry with self-aware, holding hands with the onions, my devilish me. I want to thank everybodily in the worlds about how much the winds of chance can make egg salad as well! You don’ta have-a to be from the Tuscany! Look into my face! Little girls cry like myselves and I floored to the roof with plentiful dancings! But now, I musta warn you all. Something is in transit from Hell, coming for all of us! Something sinister like blackness and evil and evil. Take-a cover, pray to God, do what you can, but it’sa coming for us all!

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